Coping with Family Estrangement: Finding Peace and Healing

Are you experiencing turmoil in your family? Maybe you’ve cut someone in your family off due to an unresolved disagreement, unacceptable behavior, or other conflict. Or, maybe you’re the one who has been cut off. In either case, family estrangement can be a painful and debilitating experience.

If you find yourself navigating the difficult waters of family estrangement, you are not alone. A 2024 article in Psychology Today claims that as many as one out of four people are estranged from at least one family member. This blog will explore the reasons for estrangement, how to respond to challenging dynamics, the grief that may accompany this experience, the importance of setting boundaries, and ways to seek help.

Understanding the Reasons for Estrangement

Estrangement can occur for many reasons and understanding these can help you process your feelings. You may have made the decision to cut off a family member or members, or you may be on the receiving end of a family decision to distance from you. Both situations are difficult and painful. Here are a few common factors:

1. Personal Differences

Sometimes, family members grow apart due to differing beliefs, lifestyles, or values. If you’re experiencing such conflicts, the resulting rifts, misunderstandings, and arguments can seem insurmountable and can result in the decision to distance yourself from your family. In the worst case, your family may decide to distance from you and cut off or limit contact. This can be devastating.

2. Toxic Behaviors

In some cases, estrangement is a protective measure. If a member of your family exhibits toxic behaviors—such as manipulation, abuse, or constant criticism—it can be healthier to step back. Recognizing that some relationships are harmful is essential for your mental health.

3. Unresolved Conflicts

Family dynamics can be complicated, and unresolved conflicts often fester over time. Perhaps the death of a parent unleashed conflict among the surviving siblings. Unaddressed insults, arguments over care and health decisions for aging parents, the experience or perception of imbalance in relationships between parents and children are typical sources of conflict that can lead to estrangement.

4. Life Changes

Significant life changes such as marriage, divorce, the birth of a child, or the death of a parent or sibling can shift family dynamics. Family systems prefer stability, even when stability fosters unhealthy relationships. Major events tend to upset this balance and challenge established roles, values, and beliefs. This often results in feelings of jealousy, resentment, anger, or bitterness and the decision to cut someone off. Or the perceived source of the changes may decide to set boundaries, cutting family off.  

Responding to Difficult Family Dynamics

If you’re experiencing family estrangement, navigating the family dynamics can be quite difficult. It may take time to figure out what you want and how to respond. In the interim, you may have anger, deep hurt, and feelings of betrayal to manage. Here are some strategies to consider:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings

It's essential to acknowledge your feelings about the estrangement. Whether it's sadness, anger, a sense of betrayal, or relief, allowing yourself to feel these emotions is the first step toward healing. Journaling or speaking with a trusted friend can help you process these feelings.

Acknowledging your feelings means admitting their presence and observing the impact of those feelings on your life and behavior day to day. The clarity that this brings may provide a measure of release so you can pursue healthy and satisfying choices as you cope with your situation.   

2. Practice Empathy

While it may be hard, try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Understanding their experiences and motivations can help you approach the situation with compassion, even if you ultimately decide to maintain your distance.

What does it mean to have empathy for someone who has hurt you? It means that while you hold them accountable, you understand that their actions and statements are more about their own weaknesses, vulnerabilities, or sickness than about you. You hate the action, not the actor.

Ultimately, holding on to anger and resentment harms you and gives the other person (or people) free rental space in your mind. Practicing empathy allows you to focus on your side of the street and spend your energy on what serves you.

3. Communicate Openly

If the opportunity presents itself, and you feel safe doing so, consider reaching out to express your feelings. Use "I" statements to explain how their actions have affected you. For example, say, "I feel hurt when…" rather than "You always…" This approach can reduce defensiveness and open the door for dialogue. Open communication can help you address misleading ideas and false assumptions. But it requires that both parties be willing to listen to each other and keep open minds.

4. Be Prepared for Resistance

Understand that the other party may not be ready or willing to engage in a conversation. They may react defensively or dismissively, which can be frustrating. Be prepared for this possibility and remind yourself that you cannot control their response. Leave the door to future communication open if it feels safe to do so.

Dealing with Grief from Estrangement

Estrangement can evoke feelings of grief similar to those experienced after a death. This loss can be challenging to navigate, and acknowledging it is important. Here are some ways to cope:

1. Allow Yourself to Grieve

Give yourself permission to grieve the loss of the relationship. This may involve feeling sadness, anger, rejection, or even relief. Recognize that these feelings are normal and part of the healing process. Be aware that grief takes its own time and difficult feelings may arise unexpectedly, even after you think you’ve gotten some perspective.

2. Create a Support Network

Surround yourself with friends or chosen family who you can talk to. Share your feelings and experiences with them so you can gain perspective, validate your feelings, and diminish the sense that you are alone. Keeping your feelings to yourself is a recipe for self-torment and depression. Connecting with those who care about you and are willing to listen helps you understand yourself and feel more whole.

3. Seek Professional Help

Few things are as painful as being cut off from the people closest to you. If you are overwhelmed, trapped in rumination, or consumed with anger as a result of family estrangement, that’s where EMDR Associates can help. We can provide tools to help you process your feelings and work through the complexities of estrangement. If you have experienced trauma in connection with family estrangement, as qualified trauma specialists we can help you get relief from the symptoms and regain control over your life. Seeking help is a sign of strength and of your commitment to living fully.

4. Don’t Throw the Baby Out with the Bath Water

Family estrangement doesn’t mean that you have to abandon positive things that your family has brought to your life. While it’s important to acknowledge the pain, also remember any good moments you shared with your family. For good and for ill, your family is part of who you are. So it is important to recognize the positive and acknowledge the negative. Moving forward in your life requires both.

The Need to Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries can be crucial in maintaining your mental health during family estrangement. Skirmishes may keep arising between you and other family members or you may need to protect yourself against the toxic behavior of family members. Here are some tips about establishing healthy boundaries:

1. Identify Your Needs

Before you do anything else, think about and spell out what you need to feel safe and secure. Being clear about your needs will guide you in making choices as situations arise. This could include limiting contact, avoiding certain topics, or deciding not to attend family gatherings.

2. Communicate Your Boundaries

If possible, communicate your boundaries to your family. Be direct and honest about what you are comfortable with. For instance, you could say, "I need some time apart to focus on my well-being." Or, “If you insist on bringing this topic up, I will not take your phone calls.”  

There are two parts to boundaries:

1)    What you are not willing to accept from family members.  

2)    Consequences when someone crosses your boundaries.

Consequences are about what you will do to protect yourself when someone crosses your boundaries. Things like: “I will end the phone call if you criticize my spouse.” “I will leave your house if you try to resume this discussion.” “I can’t be present if alcohol is being served.”

3. Stick to Your Boundaries

It's essential to maintain your boundaries once they are set. Sticking to your boundaries empowers you and it communicates to others that you are serious about what you will and will not accept.

This may be challenging, especially if family members try to push against them. If this happens, be gentle with yourself, firmly and kindly reiterate your boundaries, and act on the consequences you set if family members continue to push. Remind yourself that your mental health is a priority.

4. Reassess as Needed

Boundaries are not necessarily permanent. As time passes, you may find that your feelings change. Reassess your boundaries periodically and adjust them as needed.

Getting Help to Deal with Family Estrangement

If you’re struggling with family estrangement, seeking help is a vital step toward healing. Here are some avenues you might consider:

1. Therapy

A licensed therapist, like the EMDR Associates counselors, can provide valuable insights and coping strategies tailored to your situation. They can help you navigate your emotions and develop healthier communication patterns.

2. Support Groups

Look for support groups that focus on family estrangement. Connecting with others who share similar experiences can provide comfort and validation.

3. Books and Resources

There are many books available on the topic of family estrangement. Reading about others’ experiences can help you feel less alone and give you new perspectives on your situation.

4. Online Communities

Consider joining online forums or social media groups focused on family estrangement. These platforms can offer a sense of community and allow you to share your feelings in a safe space.

EMDR Associates Can Help You with Family Estrangement

Coping with family estrangement is undoubtedly challenging, but you are not alone. Many people have walked this path and found healing and peace. By understanding the reasons for estrangement, responding thoughtfully to difficult dynamics, processing your grief, establishing boundaries, avoiding toxic communications, and seeking help, you can navigate this complex journey with resilience.

Ultimately, prioritizing your mental health and well-being is crucial. Remember that it’s okay to step back from relationships that harm you. Healing takes time, and it’s important to seek support along the way. At EMDR Associates, we’re experienced at helping people heal from family estrangement.