Betrayal Trauma From Porn

Finding out that your partner actively uses pornography can be a painful shock to your system. Your partner's interest in porn might make you think that he or she is not attracted to you and so is looking for stimulation outside of your relationship. It might make you fear that your partner has actually cheated. You might feel betrayed by the fact that your partner is getting turned on by other people, even if only by images of them. And if your partner lied about using porn, you likely feel betrayed by the dishonesty.

As a result of these things, you may experience trauma symptoms such as increased heart rate, sleep disturbance, digestive issues, physical pain, racing thoughts, severe anxiety, depression, shame, anger, fear, self-doubt, and general emotional turmoil. In fact, your reaction to the discovery might be so intense that you actually develop PTSD. You may obsessively think about what happened or become an obsessive investigator, continuously looking for further evidence of betrayal. None of this means you’re crazy. It is what tends to. happen to people who experience what we now know as betrayal trauma.

What Is Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal Trauma occurs when someone you love and trust acts in a way that undermines or threatens that love and trust. In other words, when someone you trust causes you pain through purposeful behavior, you experience betrayal. Betrayal upends your assumptions about what is true about your relationship, your partner, and yourself.  It leaves you in a state of shock, wondering if you are somehow at fault or lacking, or if there is something wrong with you.

This can occur as a result of physical and emotional abuse, the discovery that your partner is having an affair, or the discovery that your partner is viewing pornography. It can also be caused by many other things including financial dishonesty or finding out your partner has bad-mouthed you behind your back.

Why is It So Painful to Discover Your Partner’s Porn Use

Research has shown that discovering your partner’s porn use can result in the symptoms mentioned above and more. If the symptoms are intense enough, they may constitute PTSD. In other words, discovery of your partner’s porn use can be a major trauma. Here are some of the reasons:

• It reveals a set of activities that your partner kept hidden from you, undermining trust. This can be a major shock.

• Your partner’s sexual activity with porn violates the intimacy of your sexual relationship and threatens the closeness and sharing that are part of sexual intimacy.

• Your partner’s sexual activity with porn may have reduced sexual intimacy or impacted sexual performance in your relationship, leaving you feeling neglected or undesirable.

• It may trigger doubt about your sexual desirability and attractiveness opening the question, “does my partner’s porn use mean there is something lacking in me?”

• If your partner lied to protect or conceal time spent with porn, you may be left doubting other things your partner has told you, including your partner’s expressions of love. 

• The things your partner viewed may violate what you thought were shared values or may simply be shocking and uncomfortable for you.

This list is not exhaustive and there are many other reasons why discovering your partner’s porn use can result in betrayal trauma. The important thing to remember is that if you are experiencing symptoms like the ones described above, you may well be experiencing trauma. Your partner’s porn use is not your fault and the discovery of it can absolutely turn your world upside down.

Coping With Betrayal Trauma

While it is important to get help to deal with betrayal trauma, there are also some things you can do to help yourself cope. They should help steady you as you move forward:

• Acknowledge the trauma. You are probably experiencing difficult and painful emotions. Let yourself realize that what you are going through is not imaginary or exaggerated. Recognizing and accepting the discomfort is the first step toward processing it and healing.

• Set boundaries. You may need some distance from your partner until you can regulate yourself and feel safe enough to decide on next steps.

• Journal about your experience. Recording your feelings can help you realize just what you are experiencing instead of trying to push it away. It can also help you understand yourself and reflect on what you’re feeling and experiencing.

• Get support from those you trust. Find and spend time with the people in your life who will provide love, kindness, acceptance, and support. Don’t try to go it alone. Isolation will only make your symptoms worse.

• Focus on self-care.  Do things to help you relax, eat, and sleep. If you have no appetite, try energy bars. Drink plenty of water. Try aroma therapy to help you relax and sleep.

Get Help for Betrayal Trauma

If you are experiencing betrayal trauma, it is essential to get help. Betrayal trauma is now more widely understood among psychotherapists, but it is important to find someone who specializes in working with trauma and who has training or experience with betrayed partners. A good therapist can help you rebuild your self-esteem, manage shame, get clear on whether you think your relationship is repairable, and process the trauma so that you can be more in the present and make good decisions for yourself. Our team at EMDR Associates has the expertise you need to get started on your healing journey.