Grieving the Loss of a Pet

Kai

Several weeks ago, I lost my dog Kai, a 14.5-year-old standard poodle. I found myself overwhelmed by grief to such an extent that life has taken on a completely surreal aspect. Everything feels strange. So I’m writing about this topic in the hope that something in my experience will be helpful to you.

Losing a pet is a painful and difficult experience. If your bond with your pet was deep, it’s likely that your mourning will be proportionately deep and intense. Others may find this hard to understand and even those who are sympathetic may not fully grasp the significance of your loss.

Your Brain When Grieving the Loss of a Pet

In an interview posted on the American Psychological Association website, grief expert DR. Mary Francis O’Conor says, “Well, to think about what happens when we lose a loved one, you have to first recognize that the brain encodes a bond. When you fall in love with your spouse or with your child, the brain encodes this bond. Essentially, it creates a ‘we’, not just a ‘you’ and a ‘me’, but it creates a ‘we’ of overlapping experience. Because of that then, when a loved one is no longer there, we actually experience it as part of us is missing, right? At a very neural and coded level, our representation of the ‘we’ has a hole in it.”

Assuming that the same thing happens when you fall in love with your pet, when you lose that pet, the ‘we’ remains encoded in the brain, making the loss of your pet feel like the loss of part of yourself.

One of the ways this showed up for me was the experience of my identity being called into question by Kai’s death. Kai went everywhere with my wife and me. All our friends and associates knew us as a threesome, and we experienced ourselves as a unit. With Kai gone, I now have to rediscover my identity apart from him. I’m no longer the guy who is always with the magnificent standard poodle, Kai. Kai is no longer there to validate and support the “we” in my brain.

The Neurobiology of Grieving the Loss of Friendship

This also showed up in the loss of the intense friendship that we shared. Kai was in all of my business. When I went through rough patches, Kai was there to support me. He was also there for the joys. We played together, relaxed together, traveled together, dealt with family together. He sometimes accompanied me to work. He even attended my graduation from my Counseling Program.

Part of my friendship with Kai was physical, and losing Kai has meant losing that physical connection. Petting Kai, having him climb into my lap or rub up against me for affection was truly comforting and eased so much tension for me. And he could always get my mind off my worries by bringing his ball and inciting a game of fetch, which he was able to play endlessly. His very presence put a smile on my face and comforted my soul. It is likely that oxytocin played a role here. Oxytocin is a hormone that supports bonding, social interaction, and feelings of well-being. Studies have showed that petting, cuddling, and playing with dogs increases the level of oxytocin in both humans and dogs. So in losing Kai’s constant loving friendship and physical connection, a hole has been carved in my life, my daily experience, and my sense of myself, a hole enhanced by a deficit in oxytocin.

The Neurobiology of the Pain of Grief

Then there is the obvious and undeniable intense pain of grief that comes in waves and overwhelms me. In these moments, it feels like my brain and being are reaching out for what I can no longer touch, for the friend I can no longer play with, for the companion who once helped me feel like myself. It is the experience of grasping at a world that no longer exists.

As Dr. O’Conner explains, in our connection with a loved one, our brain develops neurons which are devoted to firing each time we approach the loved one. The number of these neurons grows as the bond grows stronger. When the loved one is gone, those neurons remain present in the brain but there is no longer a “we” to activate them. So, we experience great pain and loss, or perhaps a sense of unquenchable yearning. This makes stress hormones show up, and those hormones affect our mood, memory, appetite, motivation, and more. It can take the brain a while to adjust to the new circumstances and rewire itself, and then, so the research indicates, release oxytocin and dopamine to motivate new connection.

Grieving and Meaning

Kai’s death has had an impact on my experience of what is meaningful in my life. Grief for Kai has pushed me out of my routines and forced me to deal with the fact that life is short and everything in it is impermanent. As a result, I’ve found myself reviewing how I’ve organized my life and what’s important to me. My wife and I find ourselves weighing our commitments and examining the structure of our daily lives. Some things are likely to change. Other things will probably be reaffirmed. But the long and short of it seems to be that losing Kai has stimulated an intense need to understand how to live meaningfully.

Grieving is Honoring Love

Brain mechanisms and neurobiology notwithstanding, grieving is not simple or easy. It is a process of reconfiguring yourself in the face of an unchangeable new circumstance: your dear friend is gone. Your pain is intense and real and the thing that makes it somewhat bearable is the fact that it lets you know how much your relationship with your pet mattered, and in fact, still matters. It is a process of honoring the love you shared and that you will always carry with you.