How Alcohol Sabotages Your Relationship

A couple came to me for counseling recently. They were deadlocked on the issues that had arisen in their relationship and could not even agree whether it was worth trying to save the marriage. When I asked about substance use, here’s what the wife told me:

“I only drink 2 to 4 glasses of wine 3 or 4 nights per week. I’ve been drinking wine with my European family since I was a teen. And my husband and I are very active socially, so on those nights when I drink, we are typically with family, friends, or business associates.” This client saw no problem with her drinking pattern and saw no connection between this pattern and the marital issues which brought her and her husband into counseling with me.

On the other side, the husband said he had been drinking heavily and had made several attempts to cut back. He was now just having “a drink or two on occasion” but also using gummies regularly. According to him, his wife was in denial about the impact of her drinking on their relationship. His wife claimed that he was “underrepresenting” how much alcohol he still consumed and the frequency of his gummy use.

This couple was not facing fact that alcohol was complicating and intensifying their relationship issues. Remember, the safe threshold for women is one glass of wine daily. In this example, the wife was drinking more than that amount. The husband’s alcohol intake had been large enough that he admitted to ‘drinking heavily” and whether that was still the case was in dispute.  Clearly, alcohol distorted their perceptions of each other and their ability to discuss their issues. This became evident during a session in which the husband described what he perceived as an infidelity on the part of the wife and the conversation broke down into mutual accusations of being too drunk to know what was going on. The result was that the husband’s fears about his wife’s fidelity were stoked and the wife’s shutdown and lack of willingness to talk were fed.

I’m not denying that it can be fun and relaxing to have a couple of drinks every now and again. But if you’re having issues in your relationship and one or both of you consumes alcohol regularly, you may be making things more difficult than they need to be.

What Alcohol Does to Sabotage Relationships

As the concentration of alcohol in your blood rises, it has increasing effects on your body and mind. According to a report by the Australian government, a standard drink raises your blood alcohol concentration by about 0.02.

 Here is a chart of the impacts of increasing levels of blood alcohol concentration:

• BAC of up to 0.05: (1 to 2 standard drinks)

  • Feeling of wellbeing

  • Talkative, relaxed and more confident

• BAC of 0.05 to 0.08: (2 to 4 standard drinks)

  • Impaired judgement and movement

  • Reduced inhibitions

• BAC of 0.08 to 0.15: (4 to 8 standard drinks)

  • Slurred speech

  • Impaired balance, coordination, vision and reflexes

  • Unstable emotions

  • Nausea and vomiting

• Bac of 0.15 to 0.30: (more than 8 standard drinks)

  • Unable to walk without help

  • Sleepy

  • Difficulty breathing

  • Memory loss

  • Loss of bladder control

  • Possible loss of consciousness

• BAC of over 0.30:

  • Coma

  • Death

At the lowest level of the chart, two to three standard drinks will impact how you interact with others and feel about yourself. Even at this level, inhibitions start to get lowered. Your tongue will be loosened, and you will be more likely to say things that you would usually hold back. As the scale rises, you are less and less able to be aware of your own feelings or those of your partner or to communicate in a useful way. In fact, at or above a BAC of 0.08 (2 to 4 standard drinks or more), real communication is not possible.

The moral of this story is that using alcohol sabotages relationships because it disables the most important tool available for connection with your partner: COMMUNICATION.

Why Regular Alcohol Use Matters

Even a couple of drinks can lower inhibitions, alter perceptions, and depress your ability to regulate emotions. If this kind of alcohol use is a pattern, lowered inhibitions and altered perceptions will be part of your social interactions and your interactions as a couple. The result might be that it makes it even more difficult for you and your partner to have an honest, open conversation. Your feelings might be masked or altered by regular alcohol use.

For example, if you have a pattern of having a couple of drinks regularly and your partner is having a friendly conversation with someone at a social gathering, you might be more likely to perceive this as flirtation or improper contact. That’s because your inhibitions will be less likely to come into play and your judgement will be less acute. And those same lowered inhibitions will make it more likely that you will say accusatory and hurtful things if you try to discuss the situation.

Alcohol Use Lowers Trust

A pattern of ongoing alcohol use can lead to dependence. This means that consuming alcohol becomes a priority, and other commitments, interests, and activities take a back seat. In fact, it may lead to the relationship itself taking a back seat. Ultimately, this can undermine trust.

As alcohol use inhibits your ability to regulate emotions, it also ‘frees’ you to do and say mean and hurtful things. This also undermines trust. Plus, under the influence, you are more likely to experience yourself as a “victim.” This helps you avoid accountability and can lead to a mistrustful attitude toward your partner.

Alcohol Use Sabotages Communication

If you drink regularly, you may become emotionally unavailable, either due to being intoxicated, being hung over, or being preoccupied with getting the next drink. This makes genuine communication impossible. If you’re frightened but drink to dull your anxiety, how will your partner connect with you to ease your fears or to share their own? And, even after a couple of drinks, you may feel irritable as the effects wear off, which can impact your ability to engage in communication with your partner. If you’re drinking “to take the edge off,” you might find it difficult to genuinely engage with your own feelings, let alone deal with your partner’s needs.

Alcohol Always Has Impact

People often make the mistake of thinking that if they drink wine or beer, it is not as impactful as drinking “heavier” forms of alcohol like scotch, whiskey, vodka and so on. The truth is that a drink is a drink is a drink. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control, a standard drink is “any beverage containing 0.6 fl oz or 14 grams of pure alcohol.” Here are some equivalences:

·       12 ounces of beer with 5% alcohol =

·       8 ounces of malt liquor with 7% alcohol =

·       5 ounces of wine with 12% alcohol =

·       A shot or 1.5 ounces of liquor or distilled spirts (80-proof liquor).

o   80 proof means the liquor has 40% alcohol.

o   Brandy, gin, rum, tequila, vodka, and whiskey are examples of types of liquor.

What this means is that if you are drinking a standard drink, regardless of the form it takes, you are ingesting a significant amount of alcohol.  A pour of wine, a shot of scotch, and a mug of beer have different volumes, but it is the alcohol per volume that lets you know how much you are drinking. Here’s a picture of standard drink equivalences from the National Institutes of Health:

What does this all add up top?  From a certain perspective, regular alcohol use is a lot like karma. Every drink brings consequences. Being aware of those consequences and prioritizing your relationship and your ability to communicate can spare you from untold difficulty and misery.