Five Tips to Prevent Getting Defensive

Repair Your Relationship, Part 2

Bonnie and Peter were having a conversation about what happened at dinner last night. Peter brought up the fact that he felt hurt when Bonnie took a phone call, got up from the table, and was gone for 15 minutes. Bonnie's response was:

“I couldn’t help it. My sister was having a meltdown and she wouldn’t let me get off the phone. Anyway, l wasn't gone that long.” The conversation spun out from there.

Defensiveness

Sound familiar? Many of us get defensive when we think someone is displeased with us. Unfortunately, though, defensiveness can cause a lot of damage in your relationship. When you are defensive, you're so busy deflecting blame that it can be impossible to hear or respond to your partner. You try to protect yourself from difficult feelings or imagined consequences rather than take responsibility. Defensiveness is often a sign that you are moving into a fight/flight reaction. Here are a few ways that defensiveness can manifest:

·      Invalidating your partner’s feelings by dismissing them: “You have no reason to feel that way.”

·      Shifting blame to your partner: “You made me say that by getting so upset.”

·      Bringing up your partner’s mistakes instead of focusing on what your partner is bringing up:

“Well I’m not the only one around here who does things wrong. Just last week you ….”

·      Criticizing your partner when your partner brings up an issue: “You’re just too

sensitive…” or “You’re such a baby.”  

·      Justifying your behavior: “It’s natural that I get angry and yell when you accuse me of

something like that.”

·      You simply stop listening and shut down.

All of these responses prevent you from hearing and validating your partner’s feelings and help you avoid looking at yourself and taking responsibility. When your partner comes to you with hurt and you don't deal with it directly, you give your partner the message they don't matter. This undermines trust and increases the hurt, making it much less likely your partner will feel safe reaching out to you next time. Over time, this can make your partner feel unvalued and can create serious damage.

Take the case of Victor and Joya. Married for 7 years with two children. much of their difficulty came from Victor's defensiveness. If Joya brought up the issue of Victor's lack of involvement in childcare and household chores, Victor criticized her for making so little money. When Joya stated a need for more romantic time with Victor, Victor shifted the blame to Joya saying, "If you were more organized we'd have more time together." Victor's pattern of avoiding accountability was evident throughout their years together and worsened after the children were born. After years of this, Joya was at her wits end and gave Victor an ultimatum that either they enter into couple's counseling or they get a divorce.

What Causes Defensiveness

Defensiveness can come from a variety of sources. It often arises from negative experiences in childhood, but may result from later experiences as well. Here are some examples:

·     Trauma: As a little girl, Joanna's father consistently raged and broke her toys when he was

upset with her. This left Joanna with deep feelings of self-blame and inadequacy which get set

off whenever someone is upset with her. She gets defensive to not have to feel these

emotions.

·      Excessive criticism: At age 23, Ben got into a serious relationship with Tina. Soon after they

were married, Tina became very critical of Ben. She would criticize his

his appearance, his income, his choice of friends, the gifts he got her, the adequacy of his

house cleaning and more. Ben began to doubt his value and abilities. As a result, Ben started to get defensive with anyone who offered him advice or feedback.

·      Excessive shaming: Precious's mother had often shamed her in front of the extended family

for being a little overweight, When Precious became a teenager, her mother laughed at her

distress over her first period and called her a whore when she found out that Precious had

kissed a boy. The experience of being shamed over and over taught Precious that she was

dirty and worthless with the result that any indication that she might be held up to scrutiny

made her defensive.

·      Fear of punishment: Dugan rarely knew why he was being punished as a child. He was sent to

his room, had his toys taken away, or was sent to bed with out dinner, often without

explanation. "You know what you did," was his parent's refrain. Since punishment could come

for any reason, Dugan learned to get defensive at the slightest sign of negativity.

As these examples show, defensiveness can have deep roots. In general, where past experience has left you with feelings that you need to ward off, anything in your present that brings those feelings up may result in you becoming defensive.

How to Reduce Defensiveness

So, what can you do to reduce your tendency to get defensive? Here are five strategies:

1.        Notice and acknowledge when you are feeling defensive.

When you are aware of your defensive feelings and you acknowledge them to yourself, you step away from the automatic part of your response to your partner. . Stop before you respond when the conversation is getting heated and ask yourself, how am I feeling right now? If you notice that you are feeling uncomfortable, insecure, ashamed, or angry , consider acknowledging not only to yourself , but also to your partner that you are feeling these things and that is making you defensive. This also opens the possibility that you can soothe yourself and be present for what your partner has to say.

2.        Slow down and choose your next move

As mentioned above, defensiveness is often an automatic response, so once you notice and acknowledge it, take a moment and breathe. As you do, remember the negative consequences that result when you act on the shame, sense inadequacy, or feeling of insecurity that motivates your defensiveness. Then choose an action that will be more constructive. Here are a few options:

·      Tell your partner you are feeling defensive and ask for a moment to calm down

·      Try to act in accordance with your values so that you take a more constructive role in the

conversation.

·      Ask questions to get a fuller picture of what your partner is experiencing

3.        Own up to what you did (or didn't do)

Take responsibility for what you can honestly admit is your fault. This will help you realize being accountable is not shameful and it will help your partner feel heard and valued. By owning up, you create the possibility of constructive conversation with your partner and of collaboratively finding a solution. Taking responsibility doesn’t make you bad or inadequate. It makes you human and helps you be more present with yourself and your partner.

4.        Don’t turn admitting mistakes or hurtful actions into an issue

about your self-worth

Everybody does things that hurt others or says things that cause discomfort. Admitting that you’ve done so is not an admission that you are somehow lesser as a human being. It is simply an admission that you did something that hurt your partner. So if your defensiveness is an expression of your bad feelings about yourself, working to improve your self-esteem would be an important strategy. This is a longer-term process, but feeling better about yourself will reduce your need to get defensive.

5.        Hone your communication skills

If your impulse is to criticize or blame your partner when they tell you they are upset with you, you will likely blow up the conversation into a full-scale fight. So learning how to listen actively and to speak honestly without criticizing or blaming is essential. It is important to be able to communicate in a way that keeps you present so you can convey your feelings, even anger, respectfully and stay on topic instead of bringing up the past or moving to blame. This takes practice and may require guidance from a trained therapist. At EMDR Associates, we specialize in helping our clients develop these kinds of communication skills.

Get Help for Defensiveness

In our practice, we often see clients who struggle with defensiveness. Our therapists can help you understand the roots of your defensiveness and develop effective ways of coping with and overcoming it. You can reduce defensive reactions. Defensiveness is simply a maladaptive way of responding to difficult emotions. We can help you learn to manage those emotions and respond more effectively when the going gets tough in your relationship.