Making Recovery from Addiction Stick

If you’re working to recover from addiction, you’re probably familiar with the experience of cycling between bouts of sobriety and relapses. Lasting recovery may seem unattainable. But there are things that make recovery stick. We can learn a lot about what those things are from people who maintain long-term recovery.

Making Recovery Stick: Lifestyle Not Will Power

One key strategy to achieve long-term recovery is to approach it like a lifestyle and not as a willpower contest. Recovery is not simply about developing the ability to stop using. It’s about developing the ability to live a healthy and more fulfilling life. Recovery may start with a list of no-no’s and must do’s but if it doesn’t transform into a way of life that you prefer, you’re likely to remain in the relapse cycle. People with long term recovery tend to feel better about themselves and their lives. They find satisfaction (and sometimes even enjoyment) in sober living, and its fruits: healthier relationships, greater toleration for stress and discomfort, and being more open with themselves and others.

So what are the things that can help you build a recovery lifestyle?

1. A real reason to quit (not just pressure from others).

The ability to commit to a life of recovery often grows out of having a real reason to quit using. External reasons—court, family ultimatums, fear—can start recovery, but they’re not enough. Recovery doesn’t happen when approached grudgingly or half-heartedly. It only “takes” when the motivation and commitment come from within you. When your reasons for staying sober are internal, you’re more likely to withstand the difficulties that life always delivers because you are engaged in building the life you want and not in pleasing or appeasing someone else. People who stay sober usually connect it to something deeper: self-respect, peace, creativity, being present, or finally liking who they are when they wake up.

2. Identity shift, not just behavior change.

Too often, people struggling to maintain recovery focus on not using, and as a result, miss the fact that recovery is also about rebuilding identity. Yes, it’s important to work on changing behaviors in the beginning, but those changes won’t last if you don’t also work on changing how you understand yourself. The turning point often sounds like: “This just isn’t who I am anymore.”

As an addict, you’ve practiced being someone whose life revolves around using. In recovery, you practice being the person you want to be. That’s a process of re-discovering who you are, finding purpose, being present, and connecting with others. None of that is possible without gaining clarity about your identity and your direction in life. When recovery becomes part of identity (not “I’m resisting using” but “I don’t live that way, I prefer to live this way”), it requires far less daily effort.

3. New coping skills for the stuff substances previously handled.

Addiction works because it solves a problem—temporarily. Stress, numbness, trauma, loneliness, hurt, fear, anxiety, depression—using shuts down these uncomfortable states down--until the effects of the substance wear off and then you have to use again. But, when you learn other ways to regulate emotions and how to live with them, recovery sticks. This includes learning to:

• tolerate discomfort

• name and accept feelings instead of escaping them

• talk about your feelings and hear those of others

• allow yourself to rest, move, create, or connect on purpose

Since emotions are an unavoidable and important part of human experience, it makes sense to learn to live with them and to regulate them. Without this, relapse is much more likely.

4. Community and accountability.

Isolation feeds addiction; connection feeds recovery. That’s an old cliché, but it contains an essential truth: When you organize your life around using, other people are mostly experienced as obstacles to getting high. Recovery starts to become a way of life when you can recognize the importance of others. Being in a recovery program can help foster connection, and thankfully there are different kinds of programs to choose from. The advantages of connecting with others in the program include:

• being with people who get it without explanation

• having people you can be honest with on bad days

• feeling seen, not monitored

• recognizing that your experience is not unique and you are not alone

5. Structure that reduces decision fatigue.

Having an explicit structure, especially in early sobriety, really helps recovery stick. Structure minimizes chaos and makes life more predictable. It also forces you to plan for the down times or idle times which can be so difficult early on. When you minimize chaos and plan your time, you experience fewer triggers. Your structure should include:

• regular sleep and meals

• exercise

• daily routines

• regular meeting attendance

• a list of activities for down times and idle moments

6. Learning how relapse actually works.

Relapse is a process, not an event. After a relapse, if you analyze what occurred in the weeks before picking up your substance of choice again, you’ll see that your relapse began well before you actually used. You’ll notice undealt with emotional issues that led to “stinkin’ thinking,” or unmanaged stress, conflicts, or disappointments that left you feeling bad about yourself. People who stay sober long-term usually understand their warning signs:

• irritability, frustration, isolation which lead to emotional relapse

• romanticizing, bargaining, euphoric recall which lead to mental relapse

• and finally physical relapse (the act itself)

By being mindful of your warning signs, you can learn to catch relapse early. Developing this skill helps recovery stick.

7. Self-compassion instead of shame.

Shame keeps you stuck. It creates the feeling that you are defective in some way. “I’m just a bad person. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have blown up at my kid.”  This kind of thinking is a trap. There’s no room for growth or change if you’re simply bad. On the other hand, compassion keeps you honest. It doesn’t excuse your behavior but helps you honestly appraise it. “I feel bad about losing my temper with my kid. I’ll have to apologize and do some work to improve my ability to be patient.” The people who exercise self-compassion aren’t “stronger”—they’re kinder to themselves when they struggle. This enables them to stay engaged instead of hiding or using to shut themselves down.

8. A life that’s genuinely better than using.

You can’t create a better life if you’re using. But if you stop using, you open the door to that possibility. YOU have to create the better life. Sobriety simply makes it possible to succeed more readily, to like yourself more, and to appreciate what you do have. And living a better life is a big part of what makes recovery stick. Here’s why:

• you experience joy, not just absence of chaos

• pleasure returns (slowly, but it does) so you can appreciate things more

• your life feels meaningful enough to protect

• you enjoy relationships more and are more willing to work to improve them

In short, living a better life opens you to feeling whole and more in control with the ability to make more and better choices. You immerse yourself in the joys and difficulties of human experience with gratitude for the learning and growth they provide. That’s really what it’s about. If sobriety feels like punishment or deprivation, it is very fragile and it won’t stick. Good recovery is about finding, choosing and pursuing a better way to live.

Get On the Right Path

At EMDR Associates, we can help you build a pathway to a better life. Whether you need help healing trauma, developing accountability or coping skills, resolving conflict within yourself or your relationships, or dealing with fear, anxiety, or depression EMDR Associates can assist you in crafting a recovery program that works and puts you on the path to a better life. Call us at 828-595-3930 or visit our website, EMDRAssociates.com.